Recently in Teachable Moments Category

First & foremost, the best advice I can give you not only applies to this conversation, but many, many other difficult ones:

The most important thing for a parent to do in any difficult conversation is simply to BE & STAY open to communication.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that you need to give your child a particular piece of information, or say a particular phrase.  Parenting is never accomplished in one moment.  Parenting is all about repeated experiences/events/conversations.  Remember--it's all about the RELATIONSHIP, and you want to have the kind of relationship where your children know that they can come to you to talk about difficult, awkward, or emotional topics.  So: make this a "talkable moment," be honest, calm, serious, supportive, loving, and listenlistenlisten. 

That said, I know I'd want some concrete advice, too, so here goes:

Recommendations differ for different ages.  The youngest children may not need any information--if they haven't been exposed and you're sure they won't be, you may very well be able to avoid the topic of this event altogether.  (read footnote #1)

Children typically do better when they hear difficult/emotional information from a trusted source first, so consider bringing the topic up yourself with an older child. They are likely to overhear something somewhere anyway.  It's important that they be able to get accurate, age-appropriate information from you to help them balance--or correct--what they've already heard. 

Your child may not have a strong emotional reaction to the news--it is an abstract concept to many of them.  Instead, they may be curious or confused.  This is normal.   

An older child/teenager may be able to understand the bigger picture and may indeed have an emotional reaction.  Remember that there is a wide range of "normal" emotional responses, including anger, fear, sadness, confusion, and more. 

Younger children sometimes 'test out' emotions, by reacting to this sort of information with stronger feeling than you might expect.  This is typically a normal and healthy way for children to learn about emotion.  Use your intuition with regard to whether it's an 'experimental' emotional response or a sign that your child is having (too) hard of a time coping with this or other hidden problems.

It's absolutely fine to share YOUR feelings with your child, as long as you are doing so (relatively) calmly, with role-modeling or teaching in mind.  In other words, try to talk about your feelings, not demonstrate them. 

Do you have to drive by the building?  If your young child asks you what happened, you can say

"A plane crashed into that building today." 

With older, or more inquisitive children, you might add in more details, either intially, or as part of the conversation, including phrases like:

• A man flew a plane into that building. 
• He did it on purpose.  
• A man who worked there died, as did the pilot.  Other people were injured.
• That building has many government workers in it, and the pilot blamed the government for his problems. 
• It's normal to feel angry, even very angry sometimes, but it's not normal to act out feelings like that.  He has hurt many, many people with his choices.

Tune in to what is 'behind' your child's questions.  What sounds like a request for more information may actually be your child's indirect request for reassurance.  They may need to hear that: they are safe; such acts are actually rare, that planes/buildings/Austin are all safe places for them, and that you will keep them safe. 

Be prepared for questions to come up again later, even much later, and at odd times.  As children develop, so to does their ability to understand the world.  They may "re-process" this information in 6 or 12 or 24+ months, and need to talk about it with you again.  Just be patient and loving and remember to focus on open communication. (footnote #2)

FYI, some of the signs of a child who is having serious problems adjusting can include: persistent somatic complaints, problems sleeping or eating, inability or disinterest in normal/previously enjoyable activites, depression/sadness most of the day more days than not, talk or hints of suicide or worthlessness.  If you see these signs, please consult with a professional right away.

*****************************

#1.  But.  Please don't avoid talking about death in general, okay? It's much easier for children to grasp the concept when they get to learn it abstractly, not while also processing a serious personal loss.

#2.  Also, hold your precious babies close tonight.  I'm doing that, and also sending a little loving light in the direction of the children and grandchildren of (all) the victims and the pilot's 12 year old daughter, too.

Question:  My child keeps unbuckling his carseat, what should I do?

Answer:  This is a great opportunity to fabricate a teachable moment.  Make sure to do these things ahead of time:

1. Talk to him about the reasons for staying buckled in
2. Completely clean the car out ahead of time--no toys, etc
3. Set your own emotions to the side here.  They will sabotage your plan.  

1. Set up an event where he's likely (and then does) unbuckle. 
   
2. When he does, pull over as soon as you safely can.  Don't react.
   
3. Let him know that you were going to go to 'x' (must be somewhere he would want to go) but that you can't drive him places when he isn't being safe. 
   
4. Sit (have a book or magazine for yourself).  Pretend to read the book if you have to, your goal is to not interact (ie, reinforce) his behaviors.  Be boring.  The car should be boring.  You want him to get bored. 
   
5. Wait until he gets back in the carseat, buckles as much as he can.  (this may take a while.  Be prepared.)

6.  Now go home--not to the desired destination. 

7.  Talk to him about safety and that if you can't trust him to stay in his carseat, you can't drive him to fun places/events.

8.  Plan to repeat this a few times. 

Be extra sure to be totally on your game.  Don't feed/reward the behavior by providing ANY excitement.  Don't even talk (after your initial request) until he's back in the seat.  He needs to learn that cars are a method of transport, and that the supercool stuff happens once you get where you're going.  Chances are he needs to unlearn that there is a lot of (parent-provided) excitement (conflict, power struggles, yelling, strong emotions, oh my!) to be had when he removes his seatbelt.

After you've done this at least once, you can 'front-load' for success by talking to him ahead of car rides, reminding him of how hard it can be for him to choose to keep his body in the carseat, but also reminding him that when he does not choose to keep his body buckled in, he really feels upset and disappointed when he doesn't get to go to the fun places he likes going to.  You can also ask him--again: ahead of time--if there is any way you can help him make good choices during the ride, offering a suggestion if necessary (play his favorite song, sing something together, bring a favorite book in the car...)

This isn't a foolproof plan (what, in parenting, ever is?) but it's a great jumping-off place.  Good luck!

Earlier this week I had an initial appointment with a physical therapist. Towards the end of our visit, he gave me some instructions for things to do at home. I sortof understood, but wanted clarification, so I asked a question. This is where things went downhill.

Apparently, my question was a dumb one. I know this because the PT told me so. He tilted his head, raised his eyebrows, smirked a bit, and then repeated what he'd just said, with extra emphasis. The overwhelming message was "You should not have asked that-you should have been able to figure it out. Something must be wrong with you if you had to ask that question."

Really? Really?

In the Beyond Birds and Bees workshop, I tell parents to first respond to their kid's questions about sex by saying "oh, good question!" While there are many reasons to do this, the primary reason is that it reinforces to your child that you are an askable parent. I think I want this PT to take my class. ;^)

From the perspective of the well-informed, basic questions can seem a little funny. But let's remember 2 things-1, to be "ignorant" simply means that the person hasn't learned it yet. And 2, each of us also started out with small steps, teasing out nuance and learning how to make our own inferences. If 1 + 2 = 3, does 2 + 1 also equal 3? ...that sort of thing. That equation looks laughably simple now, but it was a lot harder when you were 5.

As parents, we know that learning is a life-long process, and that no one is an expert in everything. Children who are encouraged to ask questions, who see their parents acknowledging that they don't know everything but will work to find answers-those kids are better prepared for a successful adulthood. Kids who don't get that-the ones who are made fun of for asking "dumb" questions-will stop asking questions. It's sad, too, because as the questions stop, the learning slows. At the end of the day, the people who asked questions are the people who will know more.

So this week, in whatever you do, consider responding to every question with: "oh, good question." Because, really, they are all good questions.

"What should I do about those Bratz dolls?"

As a parenting coach, I hear this question from time to time. Many parents find them offensive--whether due to their clothing, makeup, or accessories like the party bus with a hot tub and martini glasses. It's not just parents that worry, either: the Bratz dolls were specifically named in a report by the American Psychological Association's Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls, who stated that it was "worrisome when dolls designed specifically for 4 to 8 years olds are associated with an objectified adult sexuality."

So, what's a parent to do? Refuse to buy them? Outlaw them at home? But what about when she goes to a friend's house? And she wants them for her birthday! Here are some suggestions.

Keep these thoughtz in mind:

• Remind yourself that you only get to wage a certain number of battles in your parenting lifetime--so it's smart to pick and choose them. Temper your response accordingly.
• As offensive as you may find them to be, playing with Bratz doesn't automatically do harm. Really! It's not on the scale of, say, eating lead paint. Rather, their effect is on your daughter's mind, her assumptions, her beliefs and values. And that effect, thank goodness, can be mitigated by an involved parent.
• This is a teachable moment. Consider this an engraved invitation to talk to your daughter about at least one important belief, family value, or social construct.

Actionz to take:

• Ask your daughter questions. What does she think of their clothes/makeup? How old does she think the dolls are? (Most kids say pre-teen or teen.) Does she know anyone that age who looks like that? If she saw a real-life person dressed in a short mini-skirt, fishnet stockings and a feather boa, what would she think of them? Does she think a real girl her age should dress like that? Why/why not?
• Share your concerns. Calmly discuss your top 2 or 3 complaints with your daughter. Very important note: remember to present your opinions in gentle terms. If she identifies with the dolls, and you are overly critical of them--she may well experience your criticism as personal. It might be helpful to be prepared to throw in something positive about the dolls.
• Compare and contrast how the dolls spend their time with how real pre-teens/teens spend their time. The Bratz motto is "Passion for Fashion"... ask your daughter about what she really feels passionate about. (also: where are the adults? Who bought that party bus?)

One last thought--this is an opportunity to role-model that it's possible for parent and child to disagree, to discuss calmly and to still love each other afterwards. You're planting seeds of many varieties right now--most importantly: (a) we can still discuss when we don't agree, and (b) it's good to think critically about the messages/values we encounter in our lives. Truly, those life lessons are some of the most important and healthy ones we can teach our children. Let me know how it goez.