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Austin-American Statesman writer Tara Trower adds to the conversation about talking with your children about Austin's plane crash.  Read her blog post here. 

First & foremost, the best advice I can give you not only applies to this conversation, but many, many other difficult ones:

The most important thing for a parent to do in any difficult conversation is simply to BE & STAY open to communication.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that you need to give your child a particular piece of information, or say a particular phrase.  Parenting is never accomplished in one moment.  Parenting is all about repeated experiences/events/conversations.  Remember--it's all about the RELATIONSHIP, and you want to have the kind of relationship where your children know that they can come to you to talk about difficult, awkward, or emotional topics.  So: make this a "talkable moment," be honest, calm, serious, supportive, loving, and listenlistenlisten. 

That said, I know I'd want some concrete advice, too, so here goes:

Recommendations differ for different ages.  The youngest children may not need any information--if they haven't been exposed and you're sure they won't be, you may very well be able to avoid the topic of this event altogether.  (read footnote #1)

Children typically do better when they hear difficult/emotional information from a trusted source first, so consider bringing the topic up yourself with an older child. They are likely to overhear something somewhere anyway.  It's important that they be able to get accurate, age-appropriate information from you to help them balance--or correct--what they've already heard. 

Your child may not have a strong emotional reaction to the news--it is an abstract concept to many of them.  Instead, they may be curious or confused.  This is normal.   

An older child/teenager may be able to understand the bigger picture and may indeed have an emotional reaction.  Remember that there is a wide range of "normal" emotional responses, including anger, fear, sadness, confusion, and more. 

Younger children sometimes 'test out' emotions, by reacting to this sort of information with stronger feeling than you might expect.  This is typically a normal and healthy way for children to learn about emotion.  Use your intuition with regard to whether it's an 'experimental' emotional response or a sign that your child is having (too) hard of a time coping with this or other hidden problems.

It's absolutely fine to share YOUR feelings with your child, as long as you are doing so (relatively) calmly, with role-modeling or teaching in mind.  In other words, try to talk about your feelings, not demonstrate them. 

Do you have to drive by the building?  If your young child asks you what happened, you can say

"A plane crashed into that building today." 

With older, or more inquisitive children, you might add in more details, either intially, or as part of the conversation, including phrases like:

• A man flew a plane into that building. 
• He did it on purpose.  
• A man who worked there died, as did the pilot.  Other people were injured.
• That building has many government workers in it, and the pilot blamed the government for his problems. 
• It's normal to feel angry, even very angry sometimes, but it's not normal to act out feelings like that.  He has hurt many, many people with his choices.

Tune in to what is 'behind' your child's questions.  What sounds like a request for more information may actually be your child's indirect request for reassurance.  They may need to hear that: they are safe; such acts are actually rare, that planes/buildings/Austin are all safe places for them, and that you will keep them safe. 

Be prepared for questions to come up again later, even much later, and at odd times.  As children develop, so to does their ability to understand the world.  They may "re-process" this information in 6 or 12 or 24+ months, and need to talk about it with you again.  Just be patient and loving and remember to focus on open communication. (footnote #2)

FYI, some of the signs of a child who is having serious problems adjusting can include: persistent somatic complaints, problems sleeping or eating, inability or disinterest in normal/previously enjoyable activites, depression/sadness most of the day more days than not, talk or hints of suicide or worthlessness.  If you see these signs, please consult with a professional right away.

 

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#1.  But.  Please don't avoid talking about death in general, okay? It's much easier for children to grasp the concept when they get to learn it abstractly, not while also processing a serious personal loss.

#2.  Also, hold your precious babies close tonight.  I'm doing that, and also sending a little loving light in the direction of the children and grandchildren of (all) the victims and the pilot's 12 year old daughter, too.

Chris Heidel, owner of Libra Fitness, wrote a good post the other day about New Year's Resolutions.  While I do believe in the power of setting intention and having positive goals (which is really all that setting resolutions is), I've found that doing them once a year in early January isn't for me.  I'd like to share with you what we do in our house instead.

We get together for a special family date, with paper and pencil, and spend time remembering and recording all the things we accomplished in the previous year.  We "brainstorm" the list--so everything that's said gets written down.  The list covers both personal, familial, and professional sucesses, and no success is too small. (We always include our vacations--those are the result of hard work!)  We love remembering all the good things, it's fun to review the year and see how far we've come.  Remembering some successes reminds us of how things are better now than they were--a reassuring feeling. Some successes mark the culmination of lots of hard work, and other remind us of a time or two where we just got lucky.   I save the lists, too, and when we're done with the current year, we sometimes go back and look at previous ones. 

So, what can you give yourself credit for in 2009?  Did you tweak something in your parenting that has had a positive effect?  Pay off the car?  Go for a walk 3x a week?  Lay on the beach for a week?  Leave a comment with one of your successes, I'd love to congratulate you!

 

I got an exciting 40 pound delivery a couple of weeks ago--a new area rug for my office.  I've been redecorating for a couple of months now (slow but steady!) and was particularly excited to finally find a rug that really ties the room together.  (that's a movie reference--bonus points to anyone who can name it.)  ;^)

Three links in honor of Father's Day.  (I couldn't find free stuff like I did for Mother's Day--sorry!!)

1.  Was Father's Day invented by Hallmark?  ;^)  No, but you can find the real history here.

2.  This article about a woman adopted by her (deceased) mother's ex-boyfriend is sweet and heart warming--and made me tear up a little. 

3.  Barack Obama's essay in honor of Father's Day.  One quote: "I think about the pledge I made to [Melia] that day: that I would give her what I never had--that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father."  It reminded me of the oft-quoted comment from Jackie Kennedy: " If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." 

So for this weekend, and always: here's to the sweet, strong, funny, playful, goofy, tender, protective, loyal, and hard-working--in all parents, but especially this weekend, in our Daddies.

Click over to "Shrink rap" (a good psychiatry blog) for the longer version of this informative post.  An except:

According to a report CASA issued this morning, federal, state and local governments spend almost half a trillion dollars every year -- almost 11 percent of their total budgets -- as a result of alcohol, tobacco and other drug abuse and addiction. The worst part is that, for federal and state spending, about 95% of that money is spent "Shoveling Up" the mess created by a failure to provide enough money for prevention and treatment.

That's right. Out of every dollar federal and state governments spent on substance misuse in 2005 (the latest data available), 95 cents paid for the enormous burden of this problem on health care, criminal justice, child welfare, education, and other programs. And only 2 cents were invested in prevention and treatment programs that could reduce many of these costs -- and save lives.