Recently in Beyond Birds and Bees Category

Earlier this week I had an initial appointment with a physical therapist. Towards the end of our visit, he gave me some instructions for things to do at home. I sortof understood, but wanted clarification, so I asked a question. This is where things went downhill.

Apparently, my question was a dumb one. I know this because the PT told me so. He tilted his head, raised his eyebrows, smirked a bit, and then repeated what he'd just said, with extra emphasis. The overwhelming message was "You should not have asked that-you should have been able to figure it out. Something must be wrong with you if you had to ask that question."

Really? Really?

In the Beyond Birds and Bees workshop, I tell parents to first respond to their kid's questions about sex by saying "oh, good question!" While there are many reasons to do this, the primary reason is that it reinforces to your child that you are an askable parent. I think I want this PT to take my class. ;^)

From the perspective of the well-informed, basic questions can seem a little funny. But let's remember 2 things-1, to be "ignorant" simply means that the person hasn't learned it yet. And 2, each of us also started out with small steps, teasing out nuance and learning how to make our own inferences. If 1 + 2 = 3, does 2 + 1 also equal 3? ...that sort of thing. That equation looks laughably simple now, but it was a lot harder when you were 5.

As parents, we know that learning is a life-long process, and that no one is an expert in everything. Children who are encouraged to ask questions, who see their parents acknowledging that they don't know everything but will work to find answers-those kids are better prepared for a successful adulthood. Kids who don't get that-the ones who are made fun of for asking "dumb" questions-will stop asking questions. It's sad, too, because as the questions stop, the learning slows. At the end of the day, the people who asked questions are the people who will know more.

So this week, in whatever you do, consider responding to every question with: "oh, good question." Because, really, they are all good questions.

An askable parent is what you want to be. No matter what your family values about sex are, chances are that you want your child to share them. For your child to know your values, and to get accurate information, they need to feel comfortable talking with you about sex. That is an askable parent.

An Askable Parent does:

• Listen actively
• Stay on topic
• Respond positively
• Take the questions (and the child) seriously
• Stay patient and keep their answers brief
• Remain calm
• Take advantage of "teachable moments."

An Askable Parent does not:

• Laugh at irrational questions (like, "Does a pregnant lady's food fall on her baby's head?)
• Say, "Go ask your father/mother." (It's important for kids to know that they can talk about sexuality with either gender--that's good role modeling for any future heterosexual relationships.)
• Ask, "Why do you want to know?"
• Widen their eyes, tighten their neck muscles, and talk for 10 minutes straight without stopping!

Believe it or not, it's not necessary to have the perfect answer to whatever Big Question your child comes up with. Questions about sex will come up again and again, at every age and stage. That's why the most important thing that your child can learn is that you are the person to go to with their questions. Otherwise, they are likely to seek out the information from their friends--and chances are--that information will be inaccurate or even dangerous. So take a deep breath, smile, and say "oh, good question!"