Katie Malinski, LCSW

Getting Ready for "Back to School"

2010-08-16T03:22:03Z

Top 5 Tips for Back-to-School

1. Plan ahead for the morning. Revert back to the school-day bedtime & wakeup schedule a few days in advance. Get a little extra sleep a couple of days before (you and your child!) Lay out the first day's clothes the night before, pack the backpack and lunch the night before... whatever you can do to have fewer 'must dos' the morning of.

2. Be familiar with the school and teachers. Together, visit the classroom, the bathroom, the lunchroom, the playground, etc before school starts. Meet the teacher(s) and any classmates you can.

3. Reduce your family's obligations for 2-3 weeks.

4. Remind yourself of the enormous energy committment that being in school requires from your child. They have to be "on" for 8 hours--focused, participating, polite, thinking, doing, sitting, not in charge of their activities... this requires a lot of energy/focus/self-discipline/self-regulation. It's significant for all children, and it's overwhelming for some. For example, is your child introverted, shy, challenged in some academic areas, challenged in a behavioral or social area, reluctant to separate from you... any one of these means that the already BIG deal that is school will be that much harder.

5. Take care of yourself. At some point your child is going to need some support--whether it's in help burning off extra energy, talking about stressors, or patience in managing and forgiving acting-out behaviors. Make sure you take care of yourself, so you'll have the needed reserves for dealing with whatever your child says/does.

Good luck!

Free Parenting Resources--part two--online help

2010-04-27T18:24:06Z

So, this is the second of a couple of posts that are intended to be a resource for anyone who would like to learn & focus on their parenting. (Read #1 here.) Future posts will include information on where/how to start if you are looking for help for/about your child's behaviors--in any town. Stay tuned!

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I read a few parenting blogs, some funny, some subjective, some informative. Here are two of my favorites of the informative ones:

On Parenting: "Parenting may be an art, but there's a lot of science behind raising healthy, thriving children. Contributing Editor Nancy Shute explores the latest discoveries and developments affecting children's health and parenting."

Mamas On Call: "A place where two professional mamas--one a pediatrician, one a family therapist--serve up timely, reliable parenting advice with humor and compassion."

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Sites on special topics/needs:

A blog written by a therapist who specializes in adoption is here.

A website with TONS of information on sensory processing problems & solutions.

Kirk Martin writes a regular free parenting newsletter (and sells CDs and summer camp programs). I really enjoy his newsletter, it's often filled with helpful tips, and he's a good writer who makes complex concepts easier to understand. You can sign up for his newsletter here.

Two short videos I made (you have to pay, but they are only $2 each) are online: one on shy children, and one on talking with kids about sex.

So how about you? What are your favorites?

Free Parenting Resources, part One--BOOKS!

2010-04-27T17:18:19Z

I often receive phone calls and emails from parents who want my services, but for a variety of reasons, can't come in. A mom wrote recently asking if I knew of a way she could receive parent coaching for free. Unfortunately, my favorite parenting resource in Austin (Family Connections) has recently shut down, so I didn't really have a referral for her. Instead, I offered to create a list of books and other resources that offer information and guidance that I think is reliably good. So, this is the first of a couple of posts that are intended to be a resource for anyone who would like to learn & focus on their parenting--and today's can all be free, if you visit your local library. Future posts will include information on where/how to start if you are looking for help for/about your child's behaviors--in any town. Stay tuned!

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If you want to learn for free, your local public library is the best place to start. Parenting books are GREAT sources of information, you need only invest your time. These links below will take you to the books on Amazon, but you can also search for them on your public libary's online catalog. Click here for the Austin Public Library Online Catalog.

So, in no particular order, here are some of my favorite books on parenting:

Alan Kazdin's "Parenting the Defiant Child." My favorite part of this book is the first 65 pages--he dispels major myths about parenting, discipline, and behavior. Plus, it's easy to read and evidenced-based! The second part of the book is about creating a behavior modification plan (ie, sticker chart.) Sticker charts aren't for everyone, but if you're thinking about using one, this is the very best place to educate yourself on how to do one the right way! I've written about this book before, click here to read.

For improving relationships between siblings: Faber/Mazlish's "Siblings without Rivalry."

For improving your communication with your children: Faber/Mazlish's "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk"

For a general, positive, refreshing take on the overall parenting relationship: "Playful Parenting." We parents can't use a playful response to every problem or challenge, but I often advise parents to start with playfulness. It's a great tool for keeping things positive, and for avoiding putting your own upset into the situation (which pretty much always makes a situation worse, you know?)

For detailed guidelines on determining whether your child's behaviors are "normal" and age-appropriate, the Gesel Series--one for each age. I really love these books--they are small and easy to read and very validating. Sometimes things that look like problems to adults are just typical child development. ("Oh, that's just the way a 3 year old IS!.)

For classic, solid, reliable, nurturing and positive information about child development: anything by T. Berry Brazelton. I especially like his "Touchpoints" series.

For guidance about childhood sexual development and how to talk to your kids about sex (make sure you visit my other blog on this topic, btw): I like Deborah Haffner's book" "From Diapers to Dating."

If you suspect that your child may have sensory integration issues: "The Out of Sync Child."

BTW, please share YOUR favorite parenting books with me in the comments! It's a great way for me to add to my list, too!

Stay tuned for the next posts, including online resources and information about finding/choosing & working with a therapist.

Cigarette candy, oh no!

2010-04-23T13:53:16Z

From Mamas on Call, a parenting blog I like to read:

RJ Reynolds has started test-marketing a nicotine product called "Orbs" that looks like & is packaged like Tic Tacs.

Orbs, pellets made of finely ground tobacco with mint or cinnamon flavoring, are packed with nicotine and can poison children and lure young people to start using tobacco. The pellets dissolve in the mouth, like breath mints. "Nicotine is a highly addictive drug, and to make it look like a piece of candy is recklessly playing with the health of children," the lead researcher, Gregory N Connolly, a professor with the Harvard School of Public Health, said in an interview."

The researchers also say that just 10 of those candies are enough to KILL an infant.

While this is a little off-topic from my usual, I found the product offensive enough to warrant a blog post. Please follow this link to Mamas on Call for all the details.

Update: Another good blog post on this topic can be found here/"On Parenting." Apparently this one is going to make the rounds... as it should.

My Sock Drawer, circa 2001

2010-04-15T13:00:00Z

We remodeled our kitchen (and then some) in 2001. It was a big job, and like all remodeling projects, suffered from project creep. There's a great picture of me doing dishes at some point during the process. You can see me standing at the kitchen sink with my back to the camera, washing. It looks pretty normal, until you look above my head where the ceiling should be, and instead see the sky, and a tree, and clouds. My kitchen had no roof. No roof. No. Roof. While that part of the project was pretty brief, all things considered, the refrigerator lived in the living room for a long time, as did our entire collection of dishes, pots, pans, etc. Suffice to say, my house--my life--was a bit chaotic for a while.

So, you can imagine the context as I continue my story to tell you that one day during this chaos, I opened up my sock drawer and really looked at it for a moment. It was clean. It was organized. It had dividers. Things were lined up. Perfectly. Every sock had its mate. It was color-coded. Alphabetized, even.* It would have made Martha Stewart cry jealous tears of joy. It was the universal antithesis of chaos.

It was, one woman's attempts to maintain some sense of control over some aspect of her (physical) home life.

Anyway, this is a story I tell sometimes to approximately illustrate the therapy concept called "displacement." As in: "I really wanted to have a normal home that had a roof and a fridge in the kitchen where it belonged, but since I couldn't have that, I settled for the durn-best-organized sock drawer on the planet."

Sometimes, we fight for control over little things, even when it's not really what we want. As parents, it's good to remember this, and recognize it when we (or our kids) do it.

* No, not really alphabetized.

** Addendum: my kitchen did finally get finished, and my sock drawer soon went back to its normal--significantly lesser--level of organization. Thanks for asking. ;^)

Why did you do that?

2010-04-02T18:49:59Z

Ever ask your kid why they did some (dumb, unwanted, whatever) thing? Yeah, me too. But! When I'm running my parenting "A" game, I try not to--for at least 2 good reasons.

The first reason is that an influential teacher early in my career always said that the only answer to "Why did you do that?" was something along the lines of "...because I'm a jerk." (except when he said it, he usually used a more colorful word than jerk!) Strong language aside, it's a very good point--"Why did you do that?" is often a rhetorical question, because what a parent means to say is more along the lines of "I wish you hadn't done that." Better to actually say what we really mean, you know? It makes for better communication, more honesty, better relationships, etc...

I found a second reason not to say "Why..." a few months ago while listening to the Total Transformation CDs. The TT folks sent me a review copy of their program, and though I haven't finished listening to all of it, I have already found lots of good stuff. One such item was the author (James Lehman) saying that when we ask our kids "Why" they did something, we are in effect teaching them to make excuses for their behavior. His point is, we're plainly saying that if they can just give us a good enough "why" answer, then we will understand/forgive/overlook their behavior. So of course they are going to try to come up with a reason (ie, make an excuse) EVERY time they get in trouble--we taught them how! I realize that every once in a while there really is a situation where the reasons justify the actions, but that's much more rare than our questioning. And certainly with younger children, who may not even have the cognitive development to understand the concept, much less answer it--what parents instead get is a series of guesses that the child intuitively hopes will satisfy the parent (NOT real explanations!)

So, experiment for a while--try to banish "Why" questions from your parenting vocabulary for a couple of weeks, and see what happens. Let me know how it goes!

Turning off Comments for a While...

2010-04-02T17:40:45Z

I hate to do it, because I LOVE hearing from real people (!) but the sp*m comments have gotten pretty overwhelming lately, so I'm going to turn off comments for the next few months. When I have a little more time to sort through this stuff (and hopefully improve the sp*m filtering!) I'll turn them back on.

My apologies to any of my real, human readers, who might have liked to join in the conversation!

De Jure versus De Facto Parenting

2010-03-15T13:00:00Z

(I'm excited to get to pull out 1 of 3 Latin phrases I know with today's post.) ;^)

Wikipedia defines the "De Jure" versus "De Facto," as what the law says versus what actually happens in practice.

I talk about this difference with parents frequently. We parents often say things like "She needs to understand that no means no" or simply "He doesn't listen!" Behind these complaints is often a big ugly truth that just happens to have a Latin description: sometimes what we parents say isn't what we actually do.

An example:

Mom: "Zachary, we're leaving in 5 minutes."
5 minutes go by unnoticed, Mom's still chatting with friends, Zachary is still playing.
20 minutes later, Mom tells Zachary that it's time to go and he resists. Mom feels annoyed that he isn't listening, and gets frustrated with him for it. She yells, and then--only then--does he get up to leave.

But, what's really going on here? Is it:

A. The child is really not listening, and/or needs to be yelled at to get his attention.

B. The mother is not being real about the messages she's sending. She has taught her son that "We're leaving in 5 minutes" is a throwaway comment, and that the real indicators of her meaning business are when she is (a) upset and (b) yelling.

Yeah, it's B. And we all do some version of this. The hard truth is that if we want our kids to consistently do what we ask them to do, we need to be consistent with them first. First step to consistency--paying attention to what we say & do, and making sure that they are one in the same.

PS. The #2 Latin phrase I remember is "Rara Avis," which is what the fun professor who taught my Latin class called herself. :^)

More about the plane crash

2010-02-23T02:59:46Z

Austin-American Statesman writer Tara Trower adds to the conversation about talking with your children about Austin's plane crash. Read her blog post here.

Talking with children about Austin's plane crash tragedy

2010-02-21T03:32:43Z

First & foremost, the best advice I can give you not only applies to this conversation, but many, many other difficult ones:

The most important thing for a parent to do in any difficult conversation is simply to BE & STAY open to communication. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you need to give your child a particular piece of information, or say a particular phrase. Parenting is never accomplished in one moment. Parenting is all about repeated experiences/events/conversations. Remember--it's all about the RELATIONSHIP, and you want to have the kind of relationship where your children know that they can come to you to talk about difficult, awkward, or emotional topics. So: make this a "talkable moment," be honest, calm, serious, supportive, loving, and listenlistenlisten.

That said, I know I'd want some concrete advice, too, so here goes:

Recommendations differ for different ages. The youngest children may not need any information--if they haven't been exposed and you're sure they won't be, you may very well be able to avoid the topic of this event altogether. (read footnote #1)

Children typically do better when they hear difficult/emotional information from a trusted source first, so consider bringing the topic up yourself with an older child. They are likely to overhear something somewhere anyway. It's important that they be able to get accurate, age-appropriate information from you to help them balance--or correct--what they've already heard.

Your child may not have a strong emotional reaction to the news--it is an abstract concept to many of them. Instead, they may be curious or confused. This is normal.

An older child/teenager may be able to understand the bigger picture and may indeed have an emotional reaction. Remember that there is a wide range of "normal" emotional responses, including anger, fear, sadness, confusion, and more.

Younger children sometimes 'test out' emotions, by reacting to this sort of information with stronger feeling than you might expect. This is typically a normal and healthy way for children to learn about emotion. Use your intuition with regard to whether it's an 'experimental' emotional response or a sign that your child is having (too) hard of a time coping with this or other hidden problems.

It's absolutely fine to share YOUR feelings with your child, as long as you are doing so (relatively) calmly, with role-modeling or teaching in mind. In other words, try to talk about your feelings, not demonstrate them.

Do you have to drive by the building? If your young child asks you what happened, you can say

"A plane crashed into that building today."

With older, or more inquisitive children, you might add in more details, either intially, or as part of the conversation, including phrases like:

A man flew a plane into that building.
He did it on purpose.
A man who worked there died, as did the pilot. Other people were injured.
That building has many government workers in it, and the pilot blamed the government for his problems.
It's normal to feel angry, even very angry sometimes, but it's not normal to act out feelings like that. He has hurt many, many people with his choices.

Tune in to what is 'behind' your child's questions. What sounds like a request for more information may actually be your child's indirect request for reassurance. They may need to hear that: they are safe; such acts are actually rare, that planes/buildings/Austin are all safe places for them, and that you will keep them safe.

Be prepared for questions to come up again later, even much later, and at odd times. As children develop, so to does their ability to understand the world. They may "re-process" this information in 6 or 12 or 24+ months, and need to talk about it with you again. Just be patient and loving and remember to focus on open communication. (footnote #2)

FYI, some of the signs of a child who is having serious problems adjusting can include: persistent somatic complaints, problems sleeping or eating, inability or disinterest in normal/previously enjoyable activites, depression/sadness most of the day more days than not, talk or hints of suicide or worthlessness. If you see these signs, please consult with a professional right away.

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#1. But. Please don't avoid talking about death in general, okay? It's much easier for children to grasp the concept when they get to learn it abstractly, not while also processing a serious personal loss.

#2. Also, hold your precious babies close tonight. I'm doing that, and also sending a little loving light in the direction of the children and grandchildren of (all) the victims and the pilot's 12 year old daughter, too.

Interview on Livemom.com

2010-02-17T02:31:33Z

Probably more than you've ever wanted to know about parent coaching, therapy, magic, and apples & giraffes, too. Thanks to interviewer Nicole Basham!

Click here to read the interview.

One at a Time

2010-02-09T14:00:00Z

Four year old Max isn't very good at picking up his toys. His mom is working on this, but he's slow and resistant and it really takes 10 times as long when she involves him than when she just does it herself. But his mom knows that it is worth it, in the long run, to teach him the big lesson, so she perseveres.

Tonight, when he was picking up toys as part of his bedtime routine, she noticed that he was walking back and forth from his bedroom to the laundry closet with One Sock Per Trip. One sock. Per trip. (He's so four!) She thought about correcting his method, intending to ask him to carry the remaining things together, but remembered "One at a time."

So, instead of interacting with him in a redirective way, she praised him, noticing how he was cleaning up his room independently and steadily. She smiled at him and thanked him for his work. He smiled back and continued cleaning.

In a few weeks, or months, picking up his toys at bedtime will be a more regular occurance for Max, and it won't require as much supervision and adult involvement. That will be the right time to raise the bar by asking him to reach that goal in an improved way. But for now, his mom is supporting his positive behaviors best by focusing on One Primary Goal, and being more tolerant of imperfect ways of getting there. That's what is meant by "One at a Time:" reminding us, the parents, to focus on one goal at a time, and to recognize the progress towards that single goal even when it is delivered imperfectly.

Taking Children at their Word--part one

2010-02-01T14:15:42Z

Parents of young children often share their concerns with me that their kids say things to them like "I hate you" or "You're the worst mom in the world," or even the milder but still related: "I'm not going to do that!" It's these "strong statements" that often leave parents feeling guilty or worried or challenged by seeming defiance.

Here's the problem--adults mostly* communicate through the spoken word. Generally, when I tell someone: "I'm not going to do that," I'm not going to do that thing! If an adult saw fit to say "I hate you," they would probably be describing the feelings they had towards the other. "You're the worst ____ in the world" would be an evaluative comment that reflected our assessment of their quality! Therefore, when our children use the spoken word with us, we tend to take their comments literally.

So this is where I encourage parents to try to look behind the literal meaning of their child's words. "I hate you" might be your child's (imperfect) way of expressing their frustration with the limit you just set. "You're the worst mom in the world" could be an expression of their disappointment over not getting something they really wanted. "I'm not going to do that" can just mean "I really, really don't want to and you'll have to help me."

If you can look behind your child's strong statements, you've already won half the battle, because you won't react to those strong statements. (HUGE!!)

(stay tuned, because my next post is a followup to this one--where I explain how I encourage parents to 'take it up a notch' once they have this down.)

* Note: Okay, actually, honestly-- even grownups don't say what we mean all the time. We often say "I hate that" when we really mean that it annoys us or we're tired of it, and "I'm not going to do that means "I'm unlikely to do that unless you sweeten the pot or unless I change my mind or or or..." etc etc. But oddly we grownups still take each other at our words--it would behoove us to think about where the other adult (!) is coming from more often, too. Remember the phrase "It's not about you"?

Take a Deep Breath and Ask for What You Want

2010-01-25T16:22:05Z

File this one under 'simple techniques, that, when taught & role modeled 1000 times, will produce a life-long benefit for your child.'

The scene: your 4 year old is upset because you have brought her the pink shoes instead of the purple ones. (How could you?!) Whining, crying, yelling and more fun stuff are starting to rear their heads.

Try this next time:

Take a deep breath yourself
Tell your daughter to take her own deep breath and then to use her words to ask for what she wants.
The (deep) breath is important, don't let either of you skip that part
Say something like: "We can use our words to solve this problem." (or, "YOU can use your words to get what you want here.")
When she does take a deep breath and ask for what she wants (even if it's not perfectly done), praise her for using her words SO WELL! and immediately bring her the purple shoes.
Talk about it afterwords with her, in order to review the experience & strengthen the teachable moment... this might sound something like "You were so upset when I brought the pink shoes. I was so proud of you that you took a deep breath and used your words to ask for what you really wanted. And it worked! You got exactly what you wanted and we could go back to playing right away. I'm so proud of you!"

Rinse, lather, repeat x 1000, and eventually you'll start seeing the time that lapses between (a) the beginnings of upset and (b) self-regulation and calmly talking through problems, begin to decline. This is huge! Give yourself and your kid a pat on the back and a lot of credit. Huge!

Note: It's good to start with small stuff where she really can have whatever she wants--not situations where what she wants is a pony or to skip school, etc.

Q: What should I do when my child unbuckles his seatbelt?

2010-01-20T14:00:00Z

Question: My child keeps unbuckling his carseat, what should I do?

Answer: This is a great opportunity to fabricate a teachable moment. Make sure to do these things ahead of time:

Talk to him about the reasons for staying buckled in
Completely clean the car out ahead of time--no toys, etc
Set your own emotions to the side here. They will sabotage your plan.

Then:

Set up an event where he's likely (and then does) unbuckle.
When he does, pull over as soon as you safely can. Don't react.
Let him know that you were going to go to 'x' (must be somewhere he would want to go) but that you can't drive him places when he isn't being safe.
Sit (have a book or magazine for yourself). Pretend to read the book if you have to, your goal is to not interact (ie, reinforce) his behaviors. Be boring. The car should be boring. You want him to get bored.
Wait until he gets back in the carseat, buckles as much as he can. (this may take a while. Be prepared.)

6. Now go home--not to the desired destination.

7. Talk to him about safety and that if you can't trust him to stay in his carseat, you can't drive him to fun places/events.

8. Plan to repeat this a few times.

Be extra sure to be totally on your game. Don't feed/reward the behavior by providing ANY excitement. Don't even talk (after your initial request) until he's back in the seat. He needs to learn that cars are a method of transport, and that the supercool stuff happens once you get where you're going. Chances are he needs to unlearn that there is a lot of (parent-provided) excitement (conflict, power struggles, yelling, strong emotions, oh my!) to be had when he removes his seatbelt.

After you've done this at least once, you can 'front-load' for success by talking to him ahead of car rides, reminding him of how hard it can be for him to choose to keep his body in the carseat, but also reminding him that when he does not choose to keep his body buckled in, he really feels upset and disappointed when he doesn't get to go to the fun places he likes going to. You can also ask him--again: ahead of time--if there is any way you can help him make good choices during the ride, offering a suggestion if necessary (play his favorite song, sing something together, bring a favorite book in the car...)

This isn't a foolproof plan (what, in parenting, ever is?) but it's a great jumping-off place. Good luck!