The most important thing for a parent to do in any difficult conversation is simply to BE & STAY open to communication. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you need to give your child a particular piece of information, or say a particular phrase. Parenting is never accomplished in one moment. Parenting is all about repeated experiences/events/conversations. Remember--it's all about the RELATIONSHIP, and you want to have the kind of relationship where your children know that they can come to you to talk about difficult, awkward, or emotional topics. So: make this a "talkable moment," be honest, calm, serious, supportive, loving, and listenlistenlisten.
That said, I know I'd want some concrete advice, too, so here goes:
Recommendations differ for different ages. The youngest children may not need any information--if they haven't been exposed and you're sure they won't be, you may very well be able to avoid the topic of this event altogether. (read footnote #1)
Children typically do better when they hear difficult/emotional information from a trusted source first, so consider bringing the topic up yourself with an older child. They are likely to overhear something somewhere anyway. It's important that they be able to get accurate, age-appropriate information from you to help them balance--or correct--what they've already heard.
Your child may not have a strong emotional reaction to the news--it is an abstract concept to many of them. Instead, they may be curious or confused. This is normal.
An older child/teenager may be able to understand the bigger picture and may indeed have an emotional reaction. Remember that there is a wide range of "normal" emotional responses, including anger, fear, sadness, confusion, and more.
Younger children sometimes 'test out' emotions, by reacting to this sort of information with stronger feeling than you might expect. This is typically a normal and healthy way for children to learn about emotion. Use your intuition with regard to whether it's an 'experimental' emotional response or a sign that your child is having (too) hard of a time coping with this or other hidden problems.
It's absolutely fine to share YOUR feelings with your child, as long as you are doing so (relatively) calmly, with role-modeling or teaching in mind. In other words, try to talk about your feelings, not demonstrate them.
Do you have to drive by the building? If your young child asks you what happened, you can say
"A plane crashed into that building today."
With older, or more inquisitive children, you might add in more details, either intially, or as part of the conversation, including phrases like:
Tune in to what is 'behind' your child's questions. What sounds like a request for more information may actually be your child's indirect request for reassurance. They may need to hear that: they are safe; such acts are actually rare, that planes/buildings/Austin are all safe places for them, and that you will keep them safe.
Be prepared for questions to come up again later, even much later, and at odd times. As children develop, so to does their ability to understand the world. They may "re-process" this information in 6 or 12 or 24+ months, and need to talk about it with you again. Just be patient and loving and remember to focus on open communication. (footnote #2)
FYI, some of the signs of a child who is having serious problems adjusting can include: persistent somatic complaints, problems sleeping or eating, inability or disinterest in normal/previously enjoyable activites, depression/sadness most of the day more days than not, talk or hints of suicide or worthlessness. If you see these signs, please consult with a professional right away.
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#1. But. Please don't avoid talking about death in general, okay? It's much easier for children to grasp the concept when they get to learn it abstractly, not while also processing a serious personal loss.
#2. Also, hold your precious babies close tonight. I'm doing that, and also sending a little loving light in the direction of the children and grandchildren of (all) the victims and the pilot's 12 year old daughter, too.
]]>Tonight, when he was picking up toys as part of his bedtime routine, she noticed that he was walking back and forth from his bedroom to the laundry closet with One Sock Per Trip. One sock. Per trip. (He's so four!) She thought about correcting his method, intending to ask him to carry the remaining things together, but remembered "One at a time."
So, instead of interacting with him in a redirective way, she praised him, noticing how he was cleaning up his room independently and steadily. She smiled at him and thanked him for his work. He smiled back and continued cleaning.
In a few weeks, or months, picking up his toys at bedtime will be a more regular occurance for Max, and it won't require as much supervision and adult involvement. That will be the right time to raise the bar by asking him to reach that goal in an improved way. But for now, his mom is supporting his positive behaviors best by focusing on One Primary Goal, and being more tolerant of imperfect ways of getting there. That's what is meant by "One at a Time:" reminding us, the parents, to focus on one goal at a time, and to recognize the progress towards that single goal even when it is delivered imperfectly.
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Here's the problem--adults mostly* communicate through the spoken word. Generally, when I tell someone: "I'm not going to do that," I'm not going to do that thing! If an adult saw fit to say "I hate you," they would probably be describing the feelings they had towards the other. "You're the worst ____ in the world" would be an evaluative comment that reflected our assessment of their quality! Therefore, when our children use the spoken word with us, we tend to take their comments literally.
So this is where I encourage parents to try to look behind the literal meaning of their child's words. "I hate you" might be your child's (imperfect) way of expressing their frustration with the limit you just set. "You're the worst mom in the world" could be an expression of their disappointment over not getting something they really wanted. "I'm not going to do that" can just mean "I really, really don't want to and you'll have to help me."
If you can look behind your child's strong statements, you've already won half the battle, because you won't react to those strong statements. (HUGE!!)
(stay tuned, because my next post is a followup to this one--where I explain how I encourage parents to 'take it up a notch' once they have this down.)
* Note: Okay, actually, honestly-- even grownups don't say what we mean all the time. We often say "I hate that" when we really mean that it annoys us or we're tired of it, and "I'm not going to do that means "I'm unlikely to do that unless you sweeten the pot or unless I change my mind or or or..." etc etc. But oddly we grownups still take each other at our words--it would behoove us to think about where the other adult (!) is coming from more often, too. Remember the phrase "It's not about you"?
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The scene: your 4 year old is upset because you have brought her the pink shoes instead of the purple ones. (How could you?!) Whining, crying, yelling and more fun stuff are starting to rear their heads.
Try this next time:
Rinse, lather, repeat x 1000, and eventually you'll start seeing the time that lapses between (a) the beginnings of upset and (b) self-regulation and calmly talking through problems, begin to decline. This is huge! Give yourself and your kid a pat on the back and a lot of credit. Huge!
Note: It's good to start with small stuff where she really can have whatever she wants--not situations where what she wants is a pony or to skip school, etc.
]]>Question: My child keeps unbuckling his carseat, what should I do?
Answer: This is a great opportunity to fabricate a teachable moment. Make sure to do these things ahead of time:
6. Now go home--not to the desired destination.
7. Talk to him about safety and that if you can't trust him to stay in his carseat, you can't drive him to fun places/events.
8. Plan to repeat this a few times.
Be extra sure to be totally on your game. Don't feed/reward the behavior by providing ANY excitement. Don't even talk (after your initial request) until he's back in the seat. He needs to learn that cars are a method of transport, and that the supercool stuff happens once you get where you're going. Chances are he needs to unlearn that there is a lot of (parent-provided) excitement (conflict, power struggles, yelling, strong emotions, oh my!) to be had when he removes his seatbelt.
After you've done this at least once, you can 'front-load' for success by talking to him ahead of car rides, reminding him of how hard it can be for him to choose to keep his body in the carseat, but also reminding him that when he does not choose to keep his body buckled in, he really feels upset and disappointed when he doesn't get to go to the fun places he likes going to. You can also ask him--again: ahead of time--if there is any way you can help him make good choices during the ride, offering a suggestion if necessary (play his favorite song, sing something together, bring a favorite book in the car...)
This isn't a foolproof plan (what, in parenting, ever is?) but it's a great jumping-off place. Good luck!
]]>"Is it okay for me to do that?"
Parents ask me this question from time to time, and while I feel awkward answering it* (My job is not to judge!), I can totally understand where it comes from. Modern parents are bombarded by advice, books, judgments, and conflicting opinions about how best to parent. We are often weighing Expert A's opinion against Expert B's, and they both are different from how we were parented, and different still from how our friends are all doing things, too... no wonder we're left confused about what's right.
Setting physical limits** is a particularly sticky area for many of the parents with whom I work. When our toddlers are 18 months old, we're confident that steering them away from the electrical outlet is "right," but the water gets murkier when they are 3 and refusing to walk to the car after music class. Don't even mention the bane of children (and parents) everywhere: the carseat.
But, yes, I advise parents that it is okay to set a physical limit, and--as with all things in parenting, there are a zillion contingencies to consider. Here are two:
After weighing your options, and perhaps trying a few other tools, let's assume that you do have to set the physical limit. As you proceed, here are a few things to consider including in the process:
So, the next time you're faced with a (parenting) problem that you can't solve with talking, I hope some of these suggestions will help.
Take care.
* For the record, with few exceptions, I always say the same thing: yes. You can parent the way you want to. Of course, I am direct with my clients about things I advise against, like spanking, losing your temper, being inconsistent, etc, but the parents who take the time & energy (and money!) to come in to see a therapist/parenting coach are conscientious, caring, proactive people who are working on fine-tuning their already loving and thoughtful skills.
** Obviously, I'm excluding those times when your child's immediate safety is in jeopardy. You do what you must in those situations, and that's what's right.
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We get together for a special family date, with paper and pencil, and spend time remembering and recording all the things we accomplished in the previous year. We "brainstorm" the list--so everything that's said gets written down. The list covers both personal, familial, and professional sucesses, and no success is too small. (We always include our vacations--those are the result of hard work!) We love remembering all the good things, it's fun to review the year and see how far we've come. Remembering some successes reminds us of how things are better now than they were--a reassuring feeling. Some successes mark the culmination of lots of hard work, and other remind us of a time or two where we just got lucky. I save the lists, too, and when we're done with the current year, we sometimes go back and look at previous ones.
So, what can you give yourself credit for in 2009? Did you tweak something in your parenting that has had a positive effect? Pay off the car? Go for a walk 3x a week? Lay on the beach for a week? Leave a comment with one of your successes, I'd love to congratulate you!
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