February 2009 Archives

Who has time to read an entire parenting book these days?  It's amazing how much time & energy it takes to chew through a 350 page epic on how you "should" parent.  Even the really good books are tough to get through.  It's made me particularly appreciative of brevity, so to that end here are just 3 thoughts/comments that I frequently say in my role as a parent coach & therapist.  It's a little like a 15 minute parent coaching session, or a super, super condensed parenting book.  ;^)

1. It's our job as parents to help prepare our kids for the real world.  We parents typically want to protect our kids from the evils and heartbreaks that exist out there.  That's normal and healthy and generally encouraged.  But.  Our other very important job is to help our children acquire the skills, habits, resources, and strength to be able to handle the problems of the world on their own.  We can't protect them forever, so we'd better equip them.  Start now. 
2. Kids intuitively know that they are half-mom and half-dad.  When kids hear/see/perceive criticism from one parent to another, they internalize it and file it away under "things about MYSELF that aren't good."  While I say this one more to parents who are divorcing, it's also true for married parents.  Every couple has conflict (it's healthy, actually) but the way we handle that conflict is so important.
3. The single best way to get your kid to change is to let them see you changing.  I say this one so often that I joke I'm going to embroider it on a pillow one day.  But it speaks to the power of role modeling, the power of acknowledging that-even though we're the parent-we're still not perfect, and it also sends the message that in your family's home-everyone is committed to growing.  Such a powerful and positive message!

My only complaint is that this book nearly 400 pages--with small print!  But some things are worth carving out time to read, and this book is one of those things.  All questions are answered inside those covers--from Parenting Plans to the power of language, to managing emotions and healing wounds to the new "Businesslike relationship, and troubleshooting problems.  Read it cover to cover and then refer back to it when things come up. 

The other book that I sometimes recommend to parents is "Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex", by Julie A. Ross & Judy Corcoran.

"Joint Custody with a Jerk" wins the prize for best book title of all time.  In fact, I originally purchased this book solely because of the title, and I bet I'm not the first.  But there's good stuff beyond the cover, too.  For example, I like that this book starts by encouraging the reader to examine their own feelings, and identifying a problem other than 'my ex is a jerk.'  This is the absolute perfect place to start, and a method I use with families myself.  They teach a concept they call the "problem pyramid," and encourage parents to ask themselves 1: what exactly is the problem, 2, who has upset feelings about the issue, 3, who brought up the issue, and 4, who is responsible for the solution?  By working through those questions, the authors say that parents will have a healthy, effective guide as to how they should respond--to the jerky ex, their kids, or in any other relationship where conflicts arise.

If you get through those 700+ pages of parenting advice in those 2 books, and still want more: email me.  I'll see what else I can dig up.  ;^)