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By Katie Malinski, on June 21st, 2008
 “When I Feel Sad,” by Cornelia Maude Spelman, is a great book that I frequently recommend to parents. It’s a book for children, ages 2-9 or so… There are only a few words on each page, and the book starts with descriptions of times that kids feel sad:
“Sometimes I feel sad. I feel sad when someone won’t let me play.”
After several pages of examples of age-appropriate sad situations for kids, the main character (a guinea pig) describes what sad feels like. It’s a wonderful explanation for a child:
“Sad is a cloudy, tired feeling. Nothing seems fun when I feel sad.”
Then main character talks to a loved one, which starts her on the road to feeling better.
“When I feel sad, there are ways to feel better. I can tell someone I’m sad.”
She plays with friends, feels even better, and the book closes with:
“The sad feeling goes away and I feel good again. When I’m sad, I know I won’t stay sad!”
While the plot isn’t quite as entertaining as “Knuffle Bunny” or “Where the Wild Things Are,” it’s still an excellent book to have on any child’s shelf. Teaching our children about emotions is a very important gift we can give them, and this book is a useful aid. Click below to buy it on Amazon.
By Katie Malinski, on June 16th, 2008
A few thoughts on time-out, from a favorable perspective. Not a fan
of time-out? Come back in a couple of days to read my counter-point
post.
Time-out can help parents achieve some important goals, for example:
- It removes the child from a problematic situation.
- It can give a child the chance to focus on their own thoughts, feelings, and needs with fewer distractions.
- It sends a clear and firm message that “x” behavior isn’t okay and
that the parent will stop the misbehavior if the child cannot.
- It provides benefits 1-3 for the parent, as well. (Don’t laugh-that’s important!)
Some tips for doing time-out effectively:
- Make it short. 1 minute per year of age. (the kid’s age!)
- Don’t talk or interact with your child when they are in time-out.
- Time-out is most effective after age 3, but you know your kid best!
- Do time-out in a quiet place, with few distractions. Dim light can help, too.
- Don’t talk or interact with your child when they are in time-out.
You may need to sit your child down, and explain/remind them of the
“rules” before you start the timer.
- If you’re doing time-out with a younger kid, and they’re having a
hard time staying seated, you can sit with them-but remember not to
interact.
- Don’t talk or interact with your child when they are in time-out.
(Yes, I’ve said this 4 times now, but it’s the most important one.)
- De-brief. When the timer is up, sit down on the floor next to your
child and talk about why they were put in time-out. Specifically name
or describe the problem behavior (in a calm, generally emotionally
neutral tone,) tell your child what you expect as an alternative, and
discuss any necessary reparations. If your child is able, talk about
what they were feeling and see if they can identify what influenced
their behavior.
- Make up. By the point that a time-out is necessary, it’s common for
both parent and child to be quite frustrated and annoyed with each
other, so I also recommend “making up.” Structure this however you
like, but saying something like “we were both feeling really frustrated
there, huh! Would you like to make up? Would you like a hug?” can be a
great way to re-establish the emotional connection between the time-out
receiver and the time-out-giver.
- Pay attention to your child’s triggers. One of our jobs are parents
of young kids is to try to structure their environment so that most of
the challenges they face are generally/usually manageable. (Think
“yes-environment.”) For example, if your child is always
going in to time out when there are large numbers of friends over, then
perhaps you can help your child avoid time-out by reducing the size of
the guest list.
- If your child is overwhelmed, time-out may be giving her what she
needs (a break.) But, there are better ways for your child to get what
she needs (asking for it with words, for example). It’s great if you
can communicate this to your child.
Finally, remember to stay tuned-in to your child’s needs. Remember
that their behavior is a form of communication, too. What are they
telling you? Staying focused on this will help create a positive,
healthy environment for the whole family.
By Katie Malinski, on June 9th, 2008
As an MSSW first-year intern, I worked at a residential treatment facility for teenage male sex offenders. I didn’t ask for that job, and it was really-really challenging, but I definitely learned an enormous amount there. This is one of my favorite stories from that time.
I worked with a psychiatrist who was a super smart guy. He was completely dedicated to the kids, but not terribly patient with the interns. One day I made the mistake of complaining to him. One of the kids had just interacted with me in a sexually inappropriate way, and I was feeling gross and uncomfortable and just icky all over. I tried to evaluate the interaction in a professional, clinical way, but mostly just came up with the conclusion that the kid was “wrong” and not working his treatment program appropriately. So when I ran into the psychiatrist, I described the kid’s behavior, probably in such a way that I highlighted how “bad” and resistant to treatment the kid was. (“Bad kid, bad!”)
The Dr looked at me, and immediately said: “Good for him!”
What!?
Oh my goodness. I was just a wee bit offended and righteous. But, thankfully the doctor didn’t care, and his desire to educate me prevailed. Here’s what he taught me that day:
We really must view a child’s behavior as communication, and communication is good. That doctor wanted me to be able to recognize that a child in a treatment center for a sexual offense, who hits on a staff member, is sending a message loud and clear. And the doctor wanted me to get the correct message. The message wasn’t: “I’m a bad kid.” Rather, the message I needed to get was: “I’m not done learning and growing. I need more help with healthy relationships.” (*)
To be clear: I’m not saying that the behavior itself is good-or even okay. Rather, I’m saying that if we look at it as a communication, then we can find the good behind the behavior. There IS good behind the behavior, and our kids NEED us to choose this perspective. So, we can look at the kid as though they are intrinsically “good,” and that their “bad” behavior is a communication of need. Compare this with assuming that a “bad” behavior is a reflection of a “bad” child. Which of these perspectives will allow us to be more loving and helpful to the child as they grow? Which perspective discourages growth?!
Our kids need us to look behind their behavior. They need us to assume the best, and help them grow and learn.
So, parents, when could you say “Good for him/her!” about your child?
(*) It’s also possible that the child’s message included either (a) “Are you safe? Can I trust that you won’t be unhealthy with me even if I try to be unhealthy with you?” or (b) “I know that you are safe, and that’s why I can trust you with this communication-that I am still not safe.”
By Katie Malinski, on June 2nd, 2008
Therapy is good stuff. Kids usually LOVE going, and parents love the
progress they see. You want your kid to get what they need and their
health (physical and mental) is a top priority. But, money doesn’t grow
on trees and you want to make sure that you’re maximizing your time,
money and energy.
So, here are a few tips from a therapist on how to get the most out of your child’s therapy.
- Have a “grown-ups only” meeting with your child’s therapist every month or two.
- The more you and the therapist talk, the better you’ll both be able to help the child.
- Have both parents participate/attend.
- Ask for homework. (Homework is like getting an extra session per week, for free!)
- Do the homework. ;^)
- Show up early. Use the 5 minutes you’re sitting there to talk with
your kid about your week, your goals, your feelings, the homework. It
helps transition to “therapy-time.” Plus, Murphy’s law guarantees that
the one time you show up late for a session, will be the time when
something deep, meaningful, and difficult will come up. Those few
minutes make a difference!
And my best tip:
Participate in family therapy. Children are deeply affected by their parents. I tell every parent I work with two things:
- The single most effective thing that you can do to get your child to change is to let them see you changing.
- You are probably the most motivated ‘client.’ Children, whether due
to age or inexperience with the world or something else, don’t usually
know that their world/emotions/interactions/relationships can be
changed, and that talking about these things can help them change.
There are many more (whole books have been written, in fact) but
this is short list will get us started!
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