Katie Malinski, LCSW

Three links in honor of Father's Day.  (I couldn't find free stuff like I did for Mother's Day--sorry!!)

1.  Was Father's Day invented by Hallmark?  ;^)  No, but you can find the real history here.

2.  This article about a woman adopted by her (deceased) mother's ex-boyfriend is sweet and heart warming--and made me tear up a little. 

3.  Barack Obama's essay in honor of Father's Day.  One quote: "I think about the pledge I made to [Melia] that day: that I would give her what I never had--that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father."  It reminded me of the oft-quoted comment from Jackie Kennedy: " If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." 

So for this weekend, and always: here's to the sweet, strong, funny, playful, goofy, tender, protective, loyal, and hard-working--in all parents, but especially this weekend, in our Daddies.

Question:  Should my child be allowed to have a TV/computer in their room?

Answer:
I advise against it.  Three thoughts regarding why: 

1. It limits or reduces personal communication and interaction with family members.  Sometimes quality time is plain-ole quantity time!
   
2. P*rnography on the internet.  Yes, you've got parental controls installed.  Yes, you don't think your child knows about it/is interested in it yet.  And, I promise you that those things aren't as secure of a safety net as you think they are.  Really.  I promise.  I've heard this story go wrong more times than you would think.  And it's so unfortunate when it happens, because the internet really isn't how you want your child to be educated about sex. 
   
3. Missed teachable moments.  If your child sees, say, a "Wardrobe Malfunction" on TV in front of you and everyone else at your Superbowl party, you can talk to them about it later.  You can have a good conversation about nudity, privacy, and the like.  BUT.  If they see the same body part exposed while they are watching TV alone in their room, they won't get the parenting, the guidance, the support, the understanding, or the values lesson they need to balance that experience. 
   

Follow up question:  But don't we tell our child that we trust her?  Doesn't it send a mixed message to say, "Yes we trust you but you have to use the laptop where we can see you?"

A:  There are many ways in which we trust our kids but still provide structure/limits/backup. Children absolutely live their lives in a 'smaller' world than the real world.  That way, when they make the inevitable mistakes, they don't suffer big consequences.  You're not sending a message that says you don't trust your child, you're sending a message that says you are her parent, and you will protect, guide, and support her as best you can, until she's 18/21/30 years old and finally ready to leave the nest and take on the wide unfiltered world out there. 

Short and simple--the best gifts are often experiences, rather than things.

Most of the kids I know & work with don't need any more THINGS.  They have too many already.  But what they do need, and want, are more connected, loving, fun, adventurous, memorable experiences--especially experiences with their parents.

Next time you have a gift-giving opportunity, consider giving an experience.  You can pre-pay, put the gift card, description, or photo of the experience in a box and wrap it up, just like a toy.  But when your sweet child opens it up, they get the promise of horseback riding, or a trip to the ice cream shop, or a special Mommy & Me spa day, or the guitar lessons they've been asking for instead of one more item to own & store.  Those are truly gifts that last.

PS.  Have you read this book?  It's a hilarious kids' book that makes fun of having too many toys.
PPS.  Check that book out from the library instead of buying it!  Otherwise this post ends up sending mixed messages.  ;^)

One more note:  What experiences have you given your kids before?  Leave a comment and share some of your great experience-gift-ideas.  Here's a few more to get us started:

• music lessons
• pottery-painting together
• ride in horse-drawn carriage in downtown Austin
• dinner out at fancy (very "grownup") restaurant
• pedicures together
• laser tag with a couple of friends
• daytrip to a cool mountain biking park
• daytrip to the dinosaur park

Click over to "Shrink rap" (a good psychiatry blog) for the longer version of this informative post.  An except:

According to a report CASA issued this morning, federal, state and local governments spend almost half a trillion dollars every year -- almost 11 percent of their total budgets -- as a result of alcohol, tobacco and other drug abuse and addiction. The worst part is that, for federal and state spending, about 95% of that money is spent "Shoveling Up" the mess created by a failure to provide enough money for prevention and treatment.

That's right. Out of every dollar federal and state governments spent on substance misuse in 2005 (the latest data available), 95 cents paid for the enormous burden of this problem on health care, criminal justice, child welfare, education, and other programs. And only 2 cents were invested in prevention and treatment programs that could reduce many of these costs -- and save lives.

On his travel blog, Rick Steves once explained the 'secret' of the Oracles at Delphi, saying this:

Two thousand five hundred years ago, movers and shakers from throughout the ancient world went to Delphi to get advice from the Delphi priests. The priests weren't in cahoots with the gods. They just interviewed everyone who came to them, thinking that they were. Because of that, the priests knew what the competition was up to (politically, militarily and so on) and could give divine-quality advice.

I was reminded of this explanation the other day, when I realized that I often repeat conversations from client to client.  Mr & Mrs Smith might be in my office today for help with, say, bedtime troubles.  The suggestions I offer to them come from different sources: some I probably got from a book, some from a friend, maybe one I 'invented', and without a doubt a few came from previous clients.  Then the next week the Smiths come back and tell me which ideas worked/didn't work for them, and invariably they'll tell me a new solution that they themselves invented, or heard from a friend, or read in a magazine... and I promptly add it to my trusty bag of tricks. 

Anyway, I'm no oracle, and I don't think my advice is divine quality (!!!) but I can surely identify with the strategy.  I am constantly listening and learning and sharing what I learn.

Maybe this happens every year, or perhaps it's particular to this year's economy, but I keep hearing about cool free things for moms this week.  I'm posting the short list I have now, and will update it this week as I hear about new stuff.  (because who doesn't love free!)  I do not have an affiliation with any of these organizations/businesses, but I am friends with the owners of a number of the Mama-owned businesses.  :^)

#0:
(okay, I'm affiliated with this one:  Me.  Leave a comment on this entry to be entered to win one of 2 $10 off coupons to be used on any workshop in the next 6 months.)  Tell a joke, wish joy to a mother, or just say hi!

#1. 
Renee Trudeau's book "The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal" is available for a free download this weekend here.  Renee is the founder of Career Strategists, and I know & like Renee from her work as the leader of a local group for self-employed moms.  This book is popular & came highly recommended to me.  (I'm going to download it, too.)

#2
Free yoga for kids and moms at Soma Vida.  Sonya Davis, one of the founders of this mama-friendly coworking & more space, is a highly regarded local business coach.  I've been to the center, and it is very peaceful and beautiful.  More info here.

#3
Free Food:
Mamas eat free at Carino's.

#4
Mamas eat free at Mama Fu's.  I can't find a link for this one, I got it via email.  But the details say you have to spend $15, and it's good for May 4-10.

#5
Free initial consultation with Libra Fitness, with the purchase of one of packages 1-4.  Libra Fitness is owned by the wonderful Chris Heidel, a good friend and mama.)  More info here.  (FYI, the prices on her website will be $30 cheaper with this discount.) Chris has a great quote for moms (for Mother's Day and everyday!)  She says:  "There is nothing better a mother can do for her family that to do something to take care of herself."

#6
Chance to win a free 8.5 x 11 signed print from artist Curlin Sullivan.  Curlin is a local mama and artist who makes the cutest cards, vases, and more.  She's giving away a signed print called "Happy Mother's Day 2009".  You've GOT to go look at the print (on her blog,) it's very very cute.  Leave a comment to be entered to win.
 
#7
Free download of the book "Backyard Pearls: Cultivating Wisdom and Joy in Everyday Life."  This book is written by Carolyn Scarborough, a life coach for women ready to express themselves via articles, blogs or writing the book inside them.  Visit her website here.

#8
Free parenting session with Paula Stiernberg.  Paula is the educational director at the First United Methodist Church downtown, and a very sweet lady.  She's brought me in to speak to groups at her church several times now.  She does a workshop I hear great things about, too, about choosing the right school for your child.  She's offering a free parenting session ($95 value!) in honor of Mother's Day.  (wow!)  You can call her at 698-5283 to schedule.  

#9
Free kids' yoga.  Steal some time just for you and drop the kids off for this free class taught by Jodi Komitor, founder of Next Generation Yoga!  Call Kula Yoga at (512) 542-3334 to reserve your spot: very limited space available.  Class times:  Friday @ 4 for Kids' Yoga ages 5-7.  Saturday @ 4, Kids' Yoga ages 3-4.  Sunday @ 10am: Free family yoga for families with 2-3 year olds.  Please remember that you must call ahead to reserve your spot. 


???
Know any more?  Pass the info along and I'll post it for all to share.  Yea free stuff!

Update:
I used the random number generator to choose #3 and #5.  Monica, and Lindsey, send me an email and I'll reply with coupon info.  Congrats, and Happy Mother's Day to all!

Well, of course we all know this already, but it's nice having one's own experiences validated by research anyway.  ;^)  Click over to Nancy Shute's "On Parenting" blog for the full story. 

And then in response, I'll paste in Kirk Martin of Celebrate Calm's response which came via his email newsletter today.  He says that yeah, duh, we all know that's true, but:

"The purpose of marriage, of all relationships, is not happiness. What has possessed us to believe that cramming 2, 3, 4 or 5 imperfect people under one roof is somehow going to result in bliss?!"

He continues, saying:

The purpose of relationships is transformation. Relationships cause friction. Relationships force us to grow up. That friction can either result in us being worn down, resentful and irritated; or the friction can strip the crusty, gritty exterior off of us and leave us shinier and better than we were before.

Well said!

When our kids are sick and we don't know what's wrong or how to deal with it, we usually go to the doctor.  We don't feel conflicted about seeking that professional's help, and we don't wait until things are so bad that our child is comatose.  But for some reason, with behavioral/emotional/relationship challenges, people can be reluctant to seek help, often waiting until the problems worsen and get cemented in place.  John Gottman says that, on average, couples wait 7 years before they seek the help they need.  I think that parents do better, and seek help much sooner, but it is so important to remember that therapy can be supportive at any stage, and can help improve relationships by resolving minor challenges before they become a major problem. 

When a child has behavior problems, parents come in to my office, and say that they worry that "x" behavior might be a sign of something very serious.  I understand that fear, I really do (I'm a parent, too.)  But, it's not just when something's terribly wrong that we can get help from a professional.  Even when "everything's fine," it's possible for a professional to help parents identify and improve the small hangups in their daily life.   A skillful child & family therapist can help parents tweak a particular area, and--via the magic of the parenting relationship--even if the parents had little to do with creating the problem, they can still be largely responsible for fixing the problem.

So what is a small area of your daily life that you'd love to see get better?  Bedtime?  Transitions?  The dinner table?  A difference of opinion between you & your spouse about how to handle something?  Homework?  Mornings?  Chores?  I encourage you to seek out a supportive, non-judgmental therapist who specializes in kids/families/parenting.  Please feel free to email or call me if I might be of help! 

Who has time to read an entire parenting book these days?  It's amazing how much time & energy it takes to chew through a 350 page epic on how you "should" parent.  Even the really good books are tough to get through.  It's made me particularly appreciative of brevity, so to that end here are just 3 thoughts/comments that I frequently say in my role as a parent coach & therapist.  It's a little like a 15 minute parent coaching session, or a super, super condensed parenting book.  ;^)

1. It's our job as parents to help prepare our kids for the real world.  We parents typically want to protect our kids from the evils and heartbreaks that exist out there.  That's normal and healthy and generally encouraged.  But.  Our other very important job is to help our children acquire the skills, habits, resources, and strength to be able to handle the problems of the world on their own.  We can't protect them forever, so we'd better equip them.  Start now. 
2. Kids intuitively know that they are half-mom and half-dad.  When kids hear/see/perceive criticism from one parent to another, they internalize it and file it away under "things about MYSELF that aren't good."  While I say this one more to parents who are divorcing, it's also true for married parents.  Every couple has conflict (it's healthy, actually) but the way we handle that conflict is so important.
3. The single best way to get your kid to change is to let them see you changing.  I say this one so often that I joke I'm going to embroider it on a pillow one day.  But it speaks to the power of role modeling, the power of acknowledging that-even though we're the parent-we're still not perfect, and it also sends the message that in your family's home-everyone is committed to growing.  Such a powerful and positive message!