In Praise of Time-Out

A few thoughts on time-out, from a favorable perspective. Not a fan
of time-out? Come back in a couple of days to read my counter-point
post.

Time-out can help parents achieve some important goals, for example:

1. It removes the child from a problematic situation.
2. It can give a child the chance to focus on their own thoughts, feelings, and needs with fewer distractions.
3. It sends a clear and firm message that “x” behavior isn’t okay and
   that the parent will stop the misbehavior if the child cannot.
4. It provides benefits 1-3 for the parent, as well. (Don’t laugh-that’s important!)

Some tips for doing time-out effectively:

• Make it short. 1 minute per year of age. (the kid’s age!)
• Don’t talk or interact with your child when they are in time-out.
• Time-out is most effective after age 3, but you know your kid best!
• Do time-out in a quiet place, with few distractions. Dim light can help, too.
• Don’t talk or interact with your child when they are in time-out.
  You may need to sit your child down, and explain/remind them of the
  “rules” before you start the timer.
• If you’re doing time-out with a younger kid, and they’re having a
  hard time staying seated, you can sit with them-but remember not to
  interact.
• Don’t talk or interact with your child when they are in time-out.
  (Yes, I’ve said this 4 times now, but it’s the most important one.)
• De-brief. When the timer is up, sit down on the floor next to your
  child and talk about why they were put in time-out. Specifically name
  or describe the problem behavior (in a calm, generally emotionally
  neutral tone,) tell your child what you expect as an alternative, and
  discuss any necessary reparations. If your child is able, talk about
  what they were feeling and see if they can identify what influenced
  their behavior.
• Make up. By the point that a time-out is necessary, it’s common for
  both parent and child to be quite frustrated and annoyed with each
  other, so I also recommend “making up.” Structure this however you
  like, but saying something like “we were both feeling really frustrated
  there, huh! Would you like to make up? Would you like a hug?” can be a
  great way to re-establish the emotional connection between the time-out
  receiver and the time-out-giver.
• Pay attention to your child’s triggers. One of our jobs are parents
  of young kids is to try to structure their environment so that most of
  the challenges they face are generally/usually manageable. (Think
  “yes-environment.”) For example, if your child is always
  going in to time out when there are large numbers of friends over, then
  perhaps you can help your child avoid time-out by reducing the size of
  the guest list.
• If your child is overwhelmed, time-out may be giving her what she
  needs (a break.) But, there are better ways for your child to get what
  she needs (asking for it with words, for example). It’s great if you
  can communicate this to your child.

Finally, remember to stay tuned-in to your child’s needs. Remember
that their behavior is a form of communication, too. What are they
telling you? Staying focused on this will help create a positive,
healthy environment for the whole family.